For partners: when the person you love has a secret, an addiction, or an affair
You found the messages, the statements, or the bottles. This page is about you: what you can do now, and how counselling can help, even if they won’t come.
You’re allowed to get help for yourself
When a partner’s addiction or affair comes out, almost all the attention goes to them. Will they stop? Will they get help? Meanwhile you’re the one lying awake, checking their phone, replaying conversations, and wondering what else you missed.
You can book counselling for yourself, on your own, even if your partner never comes. It isn’t taking sides or admitting fault. It’s getting somewhere to think while everything feels upside down.
If you’re afraid of your partner, or they control the money, your phone or who you see, start with your own safety. VictimLinkBC is free, confidential and open 24/7, by phone or text, in many languages: 1‑800‑563‑0808. Couples sessions aren’t the right first step when someone is unsafe.
If you found porn, sexting or hidden sex
Finding out usually comes in pieces, and every new piece hurts again. You may feel shock, rage, humiliation, numbness, or all of them in one afternoon. That’s a normal reaction to a betrayal, not you overreacting.
You don’t have to decide anything this week. A counsellor can help you steady yourself first, then work out what you need to know and what you want to happen next. If your partner is getting help with porn and sex addiction, how the full truth is told matters. Disclosure done in pieces, or under pressure, can hurt more than the original secret.
If it’s gambling or hidden debt
Money betrayals are lonely because they’re so easy to hide. A few practical steps can help while you sort out the rest:
- Look at the real numbers: joint accounts, credit cards, lines of credit.
- Keep some money in an account only you can reach.
- Check your own credit report, especially if you’ve co-signed anything.
- Don’t take on their debt to make the crisis go away before you’ve had advice.
Gambling Support BC offers free help to family members as well as people who gamble: 1‑888‑795‑6111. For what counselling looks like for your partner, see gambling and spending counselling.
If it’s drinking or drugs
It isn’t your job to make someone stop, and you can’t do it for them. What you can do is look after yourself, set limits you can keep, and stay safe. BC’s drug supply is toxic: if your partner uses drugs, learn the signs of an overdose and keep a naloxone kit at home. In an emergency, call 9‑1‑1. Read more on addiction counselling.
After an affair
If you were hurt by an affair, you don’t have to forgive on anyone’s timeline, and nobody here will push you to stay. The first goal is clarity: understanding what happened, and what you want, so you can decide well. Some couples rebuild. Some separate with less damage. Either can be a good outcome.
You can start with your own sessions, then move to couples counselling after an affair if you both want to try.
Who you can see
- Davis Wiggs works with addiction, porn and gambling, and with couples after betrayal. He sees partners on their own as well as couples, using Emotion Focused Therapy for couples work.
- Jasneet Purewal works with couples and with the partner on their own, in English, Punjabi or Hindi. She knows how much family and community pressure can weigh on a marriage.
If your partner already sees one of our counsellors, you can see the same counsellor on your own, or someone else on the team if you’d rather each have a space that’s yours. Talk it over in your free consultation.
Common questions
Does my partner have to know I’m coming?
No. Your sessions are private. Tell us how you’d like to be contacted, and whether it’s OK to leave a voicemail.
Is it my fault?
No. You may want to look at your part in the relationship later, and that’s your choice. Being lied to isn’t something you caused.
Should I stay or leave?
Counselling won’t decide that for you. It can help you stop going in circles so that whatever you decide, you decide it with a clearer head.
Can we do couples counselling straight away?
Sometimes. If trust has just been broken, many people need a few sessions on their own first. If there’s any violence or control, start with individual sessions and call VictimLinkBC.
This part is for you
Book a free consultation on your own. Say as much or as little as you like.
Next you’ll pick a time in Jane, our secure booking system. It asks for your name, email and phone.
Not an emergency service. If you’re not safe right now, call 9‑1‑1 or VictimLinkBC at 1‑800‑563‑0808.